Back again.

I am almost in tears reading my blogs from last year. My goal was to get down to 163 from 167? Seriously. I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 191.8 (or something to that effect). Have I really almost gained 30 pounds over the course of a year? I knew I had put on weight but comparing numbers REALLY makes it sink in. What the HELL have I been eating? I mean...seriously. What have I been eating? I don't want my friends to know how much I obsess about my weight. Because that is what I do...I obsess. I think MX may know, at least to some extent, but not truly how much I think about it. All the time. And now...almost thirty pounds heavier (I think it may more realistically be like 189 or 188 just given that I've had heavy meals as of late), I can only ask myself that question: what have I been eating? I start the week on WW but by the second or third day, I've essentially stopped counting. Probably because I have eaten what I shouldn't have and gone so far over that I no longer want to face my failure. Again.

So I am going to try to start blogging every day (or every other day) to see what is affecting my eating patterns. Maybe I can pinpoint something and figure out why its going wrong.

So today--I had a bag of cheetos that really depressed me. I was a little hungry and wanted a poptart but thought, "That will be too many points." So I got the bag of Cheetos instead. Eight points. WTF? So now I have like...13 points left and I haven't even had lunch.

I have cravings and I don't know how to fight them. Yesterday, I had a craving for something salty. I had chips. We didn't want to cook; we ordered Chinese food. I was proud of myself for throwing away that second piece of cake...but why did I get it in the first place? Why do I feel the need to eat a lot all the time? Is it because its what I'm used to? What I've become accustomed to eating large amounts of food because I know I can?

That's all I can write for now. I'm about to fall asleep at the computer. BUt its something to think about.

Back! With a Vengance

It's been seven months since I've last blogged. Since then, I have switched from Core to Flex, back to Core. I got lazy on Core, eating more non-Core foods than Core foods. So I decided to switch to Flex. That worked out for a few weeks, then I went on vacation, came to Wisconsin and I've been struggling to loose anything. I stay on plan and exercise, but nothing. So I've gone back to Core. I forgot how much I enjoy it :) I like cooking in general but having the chance to try new foods (polenta, barley, lentils, bulgur) has been a good experience. And not being afraid to actually eat has been great (as opposed to on Flex when I would be counting points and not eating an apple or egg because I didn't want to use up my points). So it's been going well. I have a five pound goal of buying myself the second season of "The Boondocks". I'm at 167 right now. So that will be a nice purchase when I get down to 163 (I started this personal challenge at 168). I also have something set up w/ one of my linesisters to keep us motivated to workout. Whoever goes more than 3 days without working out owes the other person $5...and $5 for every day after the third day. So far, we have cancelled each other out once. But its good to check the Google calendar and see that she's worked out. Sometimes that's what motivates me to get up and do SOMETHING.

I have another issue though. Another one of my linesisters said that I should stop at 155. I am 167 now. My goal is about 140-145. That is at the top of the healthy BMI index. She hasn't been losing weight and I honestly feel like she's gotten used to me being the big girl on our line. I'm trying to break out of that mindset, but I don't feel like others are ready too. She's like...oh, I was 145 at one point, I was way too skinny. Okay, awesome. But I'm not you, we have different body types, etc. I cannot remember when I was last 145. Probably 7th or 8th grade. I want to be a size 10 and healthy. Like...healthy BMI. It just irritates me when other people try to decide how much weight I should lose. I haven't said I want to be 118. 145. But it makes others feel bad when they see you actually losing weight and you will soon be smaller than they are. I know my family is going to have something to say as well. More of my extended family, about me being too big one day, then too small. When my oldest sister got to her largest, they had all kinds of comments. When she lost weight, they either didn't have anything to say or said "Don't loose too much weight, men like women with a little meat on their bones." I don't know if this is just an issue in the Black community, where women are applauded for their curves. I'm not trying to lose my curves (I'm quite fond of most of them). But I want to be healthy with curves.

Thats all for now. Hoping to blog more often. And hoping for a healthy weigh-in on Wednesday.

Frustrated at Myself

So I was doing pretty good. Even though I indulged on Saturday when I was out with my girls (had this chocolate cake w/ ice cream) and a little dessert when I went out with another friend, I have been working out, trying to use my activity points to get under 35. What happened today? I'm not quite sure. I had this small corn muffin and a small piece of poppyseed cake during class. I thought to myself, I can burn this off today between walking and going to the gym. Then I got home, was very hungry and had the rest of friends General Tso's chicken. I tried to take some of the breading off of the chicken but I didn't realize I had about a cup's worth and it was 15 points! Dang it. Why did I not check it before I ate it. Then I ordered some Chinese food for dinner from a place that specializes in brown rice. BUT I forgot to order it with brown rice. So now I have this quart of shrimp fried rice and sushi without brown rice. I need to eat, so I ate maybe 3/4 cup of the rice and the sushi. I've been pondering this for a while...should I try to burn off as many points as I could today? Go to the gym, workout for as long as possible, lift weights, do the walk away the pounds tape. But I know it wouldn't change all of this. It can't undo what I did. Let's just go with an over-estimation of everything. I was at 32 points this morning. 4 for the pastries, 15 for the General Tso's, 8 for the shrimp fried rice and 4 for the California rolls. That takes me to 63 points. That's almost twice as many as I'm allotted for the week. If I'm going to gain weight, I'm going to gain weight. And I can't burn off that many points in a night. I'm still going to do the walk away the pounds tape. But I'm not going to burn out my body trying to lose weight before my official weigh day that is pretty much impossible to do. I'm going to drink my water quota, do my tape and some crunches. And think about how to do better next week. That's what its all about. And at least I will have something to point to if I don't lose weight this week (as opposed to working out and seeing no change). Focusing better more and more each day. And putting the rest of this rice in the fridge and taking it to my BF so he can eat it next week.

Easing...

Ease on..ease on..down the road.

Last week I weighed in at 180. This week, I stepped on the scale and measured 177. Three pounds down. :) I went to DC and my boyfriend waited until I got there to go grocery shopping so he could buy things that were on my plan. He also kept asking me how many points I had left, which helped me keep in mind how much I could have to eat when we went to my sister's house, or when we bought snacks. I wanted to get a KitKat, thought about the four points that would cost me, and decided against it. We also got some low fat brownies :). So for breakfast/ lunch, we had salmon, eggs, and sweet potatoes. And eggs and ham for breakfast the next day. Salmon, cabbage, and brown rice for dinner. It felt good to be back on track.

A friend from high school is organizing a post-Christmas get-together. My friends from high school have seen me at different weights, at my largest, smallest, and all places in between. Nonetheless, I would like to be 175 or less, with a great outfit... STUNTING! So that's my goal. Figure out what I have in my closet (cause I don't have the money to buy anything new unless something wonderful appears under the Christmas tree :) ). So that's my goal. I went to the gum on Tuesday and Wednesday and hope to make it at least 2-3 more times before my next weigh-in. Guess I'll go fill up my water bottle again. It's good to have support.

Post Turkey Day

Today was my weigh-in day: 180 lbs. This wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't gotten down to 175. But I was at that weight for about a month, because I wasn't working out and was pretty much eating what I wanted to. So to see the scale go back up to 180 didn't really surprise me, even though it hurt. I did so well over the summer; thats when I had the most consistent weight loss. But now, it's like I can't get back in the groove. My boyfriend doesn't hold me accountable anymore and I'm not holding myself accountable either. I've also noticed that if I start using points on Wednesday, they tend to add up much faster. Also, I've become lazy in terms of cooking and re-heating food (which has also added up to more money spent on food). The fresh produce in Jersey sucks (another excuse) so I haven't had as much around the house as a snack. So what's the plan to get back on track? I'm thinking on it. I wanted to be down to 170 by Thanksgiving. Ahem. Right. I told myself that I wanted to be 170 for Christmas. Is it possible to lose 10lbs in three weeks? Probably so, but the healthiness of such a move is questionable. So I'm going to aim for my 30 lb mark: 174.6 (or 174 for good measure). I really would like to hit my goal my birthday in mid-March. Of around 155-160. So the goals for this week are:

1) Use no points on Wednesday
2) Drink more water
3) Buy foods I can eat and save
4) Work out 4 out of 7 days
5) Cook! Order/ eat out for as few meals as possible even it means buying a can of fruit or something to keep me from getting a sandwich from Subway (save money and today's Wednesday).

I would like to lose 2 lbs by next Wednesday. I'm going to DC this weekend but since my bf and I are both broke, we shouldn't be eating out like that. It just means I need to pack healthy snacks b/c we tend to want to eat while we're laying around and the next thing you know, we're eating Chinese food or something. Sigh. Hopefully, our state of brokeness will keep us from buying things like chocolate chip cookies and wine. FOCUS. That's what I'm aiming for.

Been a While

I know it's been a while since I've last blogged. I've bottomed/ plateaued at 179-180. This isn't because the plan isn't working; it's because I've stopped working. One week I completely gave up (plantains, Popeye's, lots of alcohol, Cheddar Bay biscuits, fried chicken, cookies, burgers, etc). Other weeks, I completely fall off on the weekends. I seem to have lost the discipline I once had when I first started. So I have to kick this off again. It's going to be hard b/c I'm going to be out of town this weekend at a big event, where I will be exposed to all kinds of alcohol and wonderful tasting treats. I'm going to really focus on saving up all my flex points for the weekend this time. For real. I have to get some things out of my house. The other issue is that I need to either schedule my work so that I have a chance to eat before I go and right when I get off. The other thing is that traveling hours by car makes you want to have things to munch on. But I'm going to try to get a microwave soon so I can pop popcorn and not get tempted by things like chips or fries.

I have to go back to the gym too: well, today was the first day back at the gym. I don't want to get comfortable at this weight (cause I never stay at this weight for long). This is my comfortable weight though, one that I reach most often. I've been here many times before. But my weight always eases back up, when I return to my regular eating habits. Which I'm trying not to do. So I have to summon up the willpower to avoid cookies, burgers, fries, cake, etc. I could do this before. And bread. But I think that also comes from allowing myself to have these things occassionally. I don't do well depriving myself of bread for extended periods of time. I like it...yes i do :)

The next goal is 170 by Thanksgiving. So that gives me about 6 weeks to lose around 9-10 lbs. Which I don't think is impossible, I just need to focus. My goal was 168 for the semester (I randomly wrote that down on a to-do list when trying to establish goals for the semester). This clearly doesn't match but I'm ready to get to maintenance (my goal is like 155, but I have to see how I feel at that size. Right now, I don't feel much smaller :-/ though I know I am from where I was three months ago.)

I'm done for now. :-|

When Two Become One...

Remember that Spice Girls song "When Two Become One"? I bought another scale today, just to see if I was crazy or my scale was wildly inaccurate. Well, apparently its not inaccurate. I weigh the same on both. 188...clothed. After a full day's meal. Interesting...that's what I weighed this morning naked...hmm.

Right. I've accepted that the entire month of August I fell off track. Literally. Probably the same weight at the beginning of September that I was at the beginning of August, which is a little frustrating, especially considering my goal of hitting 184-185 (which would be 20lbs for me). But I enjoyed the Ethiopian food, pineapple cake, regular cake, pound cake, burgers, fries, White Castle Chicken Rings, etc. I went grocery shopping today. Bout my Core plan foods, fruit, lean meat, brown pasta, etc. I'm looking forward to getting back on track. I just have to keep a close eye on things and exercise that discipline I had at the end of May/ beginning of June. That discipline that let me just walk past the cookie, and be okay with it. That's how I lost four pounds in that first week. I can do it. Plus hopefully, I'll get my ID tomorrow and be able to start going to the gym. I really excited about that, cause its like...a seven minute walk away. Let's hope I can keep my eyes on the prize and lose eight pounds in..25 days. Can I do it?