Back again.

I am almost in tears reading my blogs from last year. My goal was to get down to 163 from 167? Seriously. I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 191.8 (or something to that effect). Have I really almost gained 30 pounds over the course of a year? I knew I had put on weight but comparing numbers REALLY makes it sink in. What the HELL have I been eating? I mean...seriously. What have I been eating? I don't want my friends to know how much I obsess about my weight. Because that is what I do...I obsess. I think MX may know, at least to some extent, but not truly how much I think about it. All the time. And now...almost thirty pounds heavier (I think it may more realistically be like 189 or 188 just given that I've had heavy meals as of late), I can only ask myself that question: what have I been eating? I start the week on WW but by the second or third day, I've essentially stopped counting. Probably because I have eaten what I shouldn't have and gone so far over that I no longer want to face my failure. Again.

So I am going to try to start blogging every day (or every other day) to see what is affecting my eating patterns. Maybe I can pinpoint something and figure out why its going wrong.

So today--I had a bag of cheetos that really depressed me. I was a little hungry and wanted a poptart but thought, "That will be too many points." So I got the bag of Cheetos instead. Eight points. WTF? So now I have like...13 points left and I haven't even had lunch.

I have cravings and I don't know how to fight them. Yesterday, I had a craving for something salty. I had chips. We didn't want to cook; we ordered Chinese food. I was proud of myself for throwing away that second piece of cake...but why did I get it in the first place? Why do I feel the need to eat a lot all the time? Is it because its what I'm used to? What I've become accustomed to eating large amounts of food because I know I can?

That's all I can write for now. I'm about to fall asleep at the computer. BUt its something to think about.